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i have to admit.
i cant over my ex.
i still think of him very often.
everytime i know i'll be seeing him, i jump a little inside.
it didnt occurred to me that i would be so needy some day when he told me he wanted to break up.
but as the days pass, i felt colder inside.
i guess i really love him alot.
so much that i cant imagine i could love a person this much.

and i tot we would be spending our 6th anni tgt. but it did not happen.
i had make plans for our 6th year.
but he called it off.
I wanted to write smth like,
"I will still love you no matter what. Whether u are obese or thin, rich or poor, handsome or ugly. I will love u all the same."
We have been through alot tgt since 16.
and even when he is at his peak of 104kg? It didnt really matter to me at all.
I was never ashamed of bringing him to my friends, even when they talked behind his back, I would think he is still cute.
omg, what am i talking about. im drifting away.

i am very lost now. without him, i dont know what to do.
i just party all the way. i have no goals in life now, for i am not even happy.
i know i have alot of friends who care for me genuinely.
but girls will be girls. we will always be that somebody's fool.

recently i feel tt he is trying to keep a distance.
or that he is too caught up in this new life. moving on.
a life without me.
i cant sleep. i dont have appetite. i dont even wanna go out.
haven been gg out since before my bkk trip in apr. till now.
at times, i miss him so badly i start tearing.

a few minutes after i posted my shanghai trip photos on fb, an old classmate of mine fb msg me this:

Hi melissa!
Hw r u?
Lol after i saw ur photos I tot abt those stuffs tt happened many yrs ago. That time we had some misunderstanding back then. Although I'm still not very sure what exactly happened... cause i had forgotten most of it!
Still, I am sorry for it. I hope u can accept my super belated apology for all of the hurt and trauma back then. No hard feelings yea :)
So paiseh.. Fb msg u also no good stuff. Haha have to ma fan u to help me wish zhaoyu a blissful and happy marriage!
I dont see a need to add him as a fren on fb. Lol ;) sorry for the trouble and thanks a lot
qinghui

i was quite surprised. A pleasant surprise actually. and this was my reply to her:

HAHAHAAH!!! dont worry abt it =) we were all super young n probably immature, but dont worry. no hard feelings at all, totally! haha!! dont think too much yeah. at the end of the day, we are gonna look back and laugh at our silly selves.

Memories start to flood my mind after i read her message.............
...................................................
...................................

we were both 16, in secondary 4. (lets name her, H)
H just broke up with zhaoyu (which happened to be a v gd friend of mine and recently married in shanghai)
and i guess she was very upset of the break up. She started spreading rumours abt me.
From what i heard, she called me a 'bitch', 'bf snatcher' and i was the cause of their break up.
I always 'flirt with her then bf on purpose' and other stuffs which i cant really rmb.
When i heard all these rumours i was so heartbroken. I cried.
I went home and asked my friends to dig more info, what else did she said about me,
why would she suddenly say such things? Why am i suddenly involved?
Utterly shocked, angry and disappointed. How can she slander me like that!?
The next day during school, my best friend from another class (named, Q) came n talked to me to find
out more. She suggested that I should talk to H face and face and text H to meet me somewhere in school
and trash things out. I was super afraid, i do not like confrontations. Everyone was rooting for me but
I did not wan things to blow out of its proportions. I tried to escape but of cos i fail.
Q dragged me to the meeting place with many other kaypohs and what happens after tt i cant rmb.
I only know i kept crying. HAHAHAH!!
after the confrontation, zhaoyu came to apologise to me and he also has no idea where am i involved.
And so, ever since that day, we did not talk at all. I guess, the mini 'confrontation' was
not helping and the issue is still unsettled. H was in the same class as me and we see each everyday.
So it was pretty awkward for me. having to act normal like nothing happened at all.
But deep inside me, i was hurt. Why did she has to say such harsh things to me?

Anyway, 7 years has passed since that incident.
and i guess, whether she did text me just now or not, it doesnt really make any difference
to our relationship now bcos we are not close in the 1st place. and we did not contact at all
since tt incident. but it must have took her alot of courage to text me n apologise. She must
have thought about this for a long time. Im pretty touched. =) haha.
silly young kids we were. haiy. memories.

and this is how i spent my 5th anni.
with my employment relations assignments from day till night.
gotta thank pat for dragging me out to chomp chomp for a quick dinner n frolick.
keep a few things off my mind for a while.

no smiles.
no sweet msgs.
no surprises.
no nice dinners.
no hugs.

but tonnes of tears shed and heartache.

and i wonder, if u still love me the same way as before.

=""(

do you believe in fortune telling? 
i dont. i believe that whatever happens depends on what u do.
well, came across this fengshui book last yr abt the predictions for snake in yr 2011.
its bad.
was watching tv during cny eve n again this other fengshui master said its bad.

bad career.
will be met with adversities and no one will help me.
bad health.
health will be poor for the whole year. advised to rest more.
bad wealth.
no luck in striking some small fortune and need to be careful in what i spend.
bad relationship.
expect some quarrels with your partner.

so u see.
Just a bad year for me.
Well, i started with the year falling sick and all.
I've change boss and there are lots of uncertainties in the workplace.
I am bond to SIM for 2 years and i have to pay school fees w/o any help frm parents.
Plus my pay is not so fantastic now that we r not allowed to claim over-time.
have not quarrel with my partner cos i chose to express myself covertly.
you know i hate to confront ppl. i prefer to keep quiet.
all these little things just make me feel so lousy.
that this yr is going to be a tough one for me.

i'm just not in the mood for anything now.
my mind is full of projects and assignments and 'that'.
well, 'that' thing has been trying to take over my mind no matter how hard i resist.
the tear ducts became active for no apparent reason.
even when i use the washroom.
like, wtf.

seriously, life couldnt be worst than this.

 

cant say that i enjoy cny.
my bro said, 'its just another public holiday.'
well, apart frm the ang pows tt i'll be getting, i agree with him.
every yr, we visit our relatives and they will ask the same old qns.
"how old are u?"
"what are u doing now?"
well, pretty obvious tt am not close to my extended family at all. i see them ONCE A YEAR.
and if there's a wedding in the family, twice.
i barely know my own cousins. blame the age gap.
i'm one of the youngest grandchild. the next elder cousin will be older than my bro.
btw, my bro is like 28 this yr.
me n my bro were saying, after our parents leave this world, we're nt gonna do visiting.
we dont see a point cos we r not even close in the 1st place.
the only thing i do in my relatives' house are: sleep & watch tv. i am super quiet.
minding my own business, while the older generation chat.

this yr i visited i's granny place.
i thought i wont be bored anymore since i have bf with me now.
well, am wrong.
frm 6 - 12, 6 hours, i glue myself to the sofa n force myself to watch whatever's airing.
fucking bored. i dont wanna slp cos it will look bad.
bf's gambled all night n i barely talked to him.
sat beside him during dinner bt i couldnt even feel his presence.
the only company i had were frm the dogs.
i shld be thankful tt i have dogs to accompany me other than the tv/phone.
felt like it was a total waste of my time just sitting dere n watch tv.
stayed over at bf's bt the following day he went out wif his dad but not to worry.
i have mysoju for company. bored as hell i watched movies tt i've watched before.
i chose funny movies to keep myself happy.
so much as i wld like to accompany bf during my free time, he dont have time for me.
and he's out clubbing AGAIN.
its his new addiction.
always. wed, fri, sat night. chances of him out drinking/clubbing is 90%.
sch has started n i have classes on sat as well plus i wrk weekends.
its not like i have all the time in the world.
i think i'm getting my karma.
barely see my bf now.
even if we meet, the quality time spent tgt is short.
its as though he's in london.
maybe i shld pretend tt he's not in sg so wont be calculative abt this.
oh. i have macro test this coming sat, need to study. no time again.
i shld jus focus on work/school...

 

i am so sick that it makes me so fucking depressed.
i need to do my project but i cant even concentrate.
i have not even shop for cny.
i cant even go school.
and i even cried last night while working.
that's how sick am i.
i have not done any spring cleaning.
i wanna recover asap.
PLEASE.
i wan to enjoy to cny holidays.
 

 

I was working in another branch when i chanced upon my colleague browsing through citi's jobs portal.
Was stunned. "I thought he got promoted recently? Why does he want to leave now?"
Being very kay-poh and all, i asked how come he's looking at this website and he's reply was "citi hun bu xia qu le"
It made me damn scared.
He proceeded to reveal some work info and about the impending changes that our new boss is going to make
when she has settle down in her new position.
OH FARK.
I am really scared. This new boss is not one to mess with, or so i heard.
And the fact that andre is graduating and von too, I fear.
I do not want them to leave. Really.
I want to keep angels together for as long as possible.
I'm going to be the last one to graduate, end of 2012.
baby's gonna grad by end of the year and i bet she'll move on as well as she has been in this position for almost 3years.
And in year 2010, a lot of nice dsos left the bank and many are going to do so too.
So by then, all the shitty ppl will be left behind with me. =(
NOoooooooooooooooooo!!!

crap. its a quiet night and am stoning at home.
so freaking boreddddd luhhh.

weiting ask me smth tdy,
"How do you know that the one you love, is the one you love?"
FWAH. cheem max can.
My reply was, "aiya, why think so much? Everything's fated. If you are not meant to be tgt, u wont be."
No sweat. ;)



shit man. i cant crap up some emo things to write.
been too happy this year.
argh!